Over in Los Angeles, where lesbians roam wild and free, writer-director Ilene Chaiken dreamt up the entangled life stories of a few enchanting women and turned it into the popular drama, The L Word. In this fantasy world, all lesbians are funny, articulate, stick-thin, gorgeous, and prone to sleeping around.

 

 

Now, after season six closed on a dismal, murder-mystery type, mess, she’s back again – this time, touting real life. Or, at least, as real as life can get on the soapbox. Welcome to “The Real L Word: Los Angeles” reality series by American network Showtime, slated to premiere sometime this year.

 

This got me thinking – what would be in Singapore’s version of The L Word?

 

 

 

The Power Couple
Every scene needs their Bette-and-Tina. In the leagues of the smugly-married, they have been together since like, forever. Armed with pets, high-flying careers and a dream home, they look like they have it all. Or do they?

 

What goes on behind closed doors? The power struggles, the temptations, and surely there’s one who loves her partner more than the other.

 

 

 

The Charmer
Why, hello there. The Charmer is a good-looking, sexy, hedonistic rascal who gets away with pretty much anything and everything in a skirt. She weasels her way out of trouble and flutters her lashes to make you do things you didn’t really want to do. Downright gorgeous and charming, this fine, fine creature always knows the right thing to say. This one you would bring home to meet your mother. By any chance, she would turn your stern parent into a giggling, girly mess.

 

But be warned. It’s hard to tie down this one. You might think you have gotten her, but she can’t change who she’s born to be. Hold on to her lightly. And let her go if need be.

 

The Loaded One
Flashy cars, flashy clothes, flashy girls. Born with a silver spoon in her mouth, The Loaded One constantly has girls throwing themselves at her. Known for her eloquence and propensity to shower her girlfriends with gifts and supplementary credit cards, she is not short on attention from the ladies, especially ones like The Gold Digger (see below). Unfortunately, her ego is also as inflated as her wallet. Her pretty head believes the world revolves around her and that the sun shines out of her ass.

 

 

The Gold Digger
Constantly on the lookout for The Loaded Ones, the Gold Digger is usually either really beautiful or really gifted with the gab. Rarely do you find both. Second-rate Gold Diggers fall under the Skank category (see far, far down below). She is great company, until you realise she expects you to pay for everything. That’s right, everything. Drinks, movie tickets, even the veterinary bill for her sick rabbit (which, of course, you bought, as well as the diamond encrusted collar and titanium cage etc). This one has a bottomless appetite for all things material, and expects the world – including your wallet, your heart and too, your soul – on a silver platter.

 

 

The Geek
This sweetie pie is a diamond in the rough. Usually an Apple-o-holic, she scours the Internet for hours looking for the best and newest technology has to offer. Usually socially inept and a little awkward, she isn’t the best candidate to bring for company functions or gatherings. But the shy geek is a keeper. Your biggest competition for her affections? It might be that Glamazon avatar from World Of Warcraft.

 

 

The Jock
Spontaneous, sunny and fun to be with, The Jock is a sweetheart. Not the most expressive person, she often finds herself at a loss for words. Don’t expect deep, philosophical, existential conversations about politics or the meaning of life, but who is thinking about books when you’re running your hands down the tight, fit, muscled back?

 

 

The Gossip
She knows everyone and everything. The whiff of a scandal and she’s there. The Gossip doesn’t have malicious intentions at heart, but merely an excitable propensity to stick her nose into other people’s (love) affairs. She usually possesses an extremely high-pitched voice, a tendency to over-exaggerate and a few – uh, influential – phone numbers engraved in her memory. You can’t blame her, after all, The Gossip lives vicariously through the lives of others. But wait till she uncovers the real scandals, then she’s gonna realise she getting in wayyy over her head.

 

 

The Mess
She spirals into a tsunami of trouble – getting drunk, lying, picking fights. Her friends – many become former friends – are at their wit’s end. They don’t know how to help her if she doesn’t want to be helped. Week in, week out, they have to drag her out of the clubs dead drunk or with a bruised eye. This one’s a tragedy-in-the-making.

 

 

The Skank
Otherwise known as the village bicycle – y’know, ‘cos anyone can take her for a ride, and many have – The Skank believes she is in the same league as the Charmer, but really is down in the ghetto with The Mess. A magnet for major dyke drama, The Skank is prone to wardrobe malfunctions and stealing girlfriends. She doesn’t believe in finding a proper job, but like The Gold Digger, wants to land one of the The Loaded Ones. Often also responsible for the creation of The Mess, which she uses, then discards like a tissue. Then again, The Skank is very familiar with the concept of recycling.

 

 

The Psycho Ex
The Psycho Ex that really never, ever goes away. Constantly lurking in the fringes of your community, she occasionally sends the morbid sms threatening suicide unless you declare that a part of your heart belongs to her forever and ever and ever and ever. Very much like chewing gum in your hair, you can’t get rid of her, no matter how hard you try, until you cut it off. With a pair of very sharp scissors and an equally hard heart.


The Lesbian Network
I don’t even want to tread into that landmine-infested area. If there was ever a web of bed connections to be weaved within the claustrophobic local lesbian scene, I’m high-tailing it outta here. I do not want to know who slept with who and who slept with whom. The thought of it feels me with absolute dread. As it should to you too. Shudder.

 

 

So I know we all tend towards being label-free, but do you recognise shades of yourself, or of your friends, in any of these categories? Now, now, it’s all in the name of fun, so keep those catty claws to yourself!



* All icons designed by Joep Gerrits.