Halfwild tells you how to survive V-Day...

So the big fat blatantly commercialised day is looming up again. A day where lovers valiantly attempt to prove their love to their partners and the rest of the world with showy bouquets of roses and lilies, cheesy broadcast messages on billboards and 80-cent sms bulletins that flash on the bottom of half-baked television programmes. Welcome to the horrors of Valentine’s Day.

But you best be prepared, because we all know women sometimes say what they don’t mean.

Unless she espouses a bitter torrent of complaints against Valentine’s Day (and even so, you might want to play safe, and follow the advice anyway), do create a little gesture of love, or two on that blasted day. How could it hurt?

If like me, the panic of finding something unique for that special someone is slowly creeping in like that gnawing irritation when someone reads over your shoulder – breathe.

Raid through a couple of these last-minute gift ideas, dear reader, and see if any strikes your fancy (or could save your ass).

1. Print her a kick-ass t-shirt
If you have an eye for design, or drawing skills, you can get a one-of-a-kind tee done real quick at  HYPERLINK "http://www.liberaldreamz.com" www.liberaldreamz.com. No need to spend hours searching the racks for the perfect t-shirt. Know her favourite colour? Know if she likes it plain or illustrated? Imagine, draw, delivered, done. Write her a poem of a special moment you shared, or the photograph of the perfect sunset.

2. Make her a toy voodoo doll
I know it is the season to love, but didn’t a line from Shakespeare go, “my only love sprung from my only hate”? A toy voodoo doll could be a great stress reliever. Model it after her archenemy, or that back-stabbing bitch from work. Think about it, the more often she stabs that toy, the less often she will take the stress out on you.

3. Love cheques
This is one of my favourite gifts I’ve given. A hand-made book of love cheques with promises like “fine, you win the argument. One time use only” or “a massage” or “you get to choose what we do this Sunday”.

4. Lingerie or girl boxers
You can’t really go wrong with lingerie. Unless, like in my case, your friends choose to give you a grotesque neon pink, scaly, sequinned, thong as a laugh for your 18th birthday. Think sexy, for your-eyes-only kinda lingerie. Oh, and throw in a couple of naughty make-out dices, which command you to ____ your partner’s ______. Everyone’s a winner in this game.

5. Start a journal
Document your journey together. Make a daily video or write a line to remember how you felt spending this day with her. Keep photographs, movie stubs or that crazy toy you managed to grab from the arcade machines. The memories will stay with you for a lifetime, even if the girl doesn’t.

6. Make promises you will keep.
You know what you do that vexes her. It’s most often in the littlest things, like the way she leaves wet towels on your bed, or how you expect her to tag along on your Saturday night out with your friends. Pick one out, set a compromise and put your mind to changing that habit. It will go a long way.

Indulge in the sappiness of it all. You can always blame it on temporary insanity the next day to save your credibility. If you are single, or recently separated, do what I would do. Form little vengeful spit balls, and take aim.

About Halfwild
An acid-tongued hedonist who occasionally trips on reality, this former journalist has an unexplainable devotion to the arts. Doggedly, she pursued her love for performance and graduated from the University of Bristol with a first class in Drama: Theatre, Film and Television.

She also has weird habits like cussing in French, finishing off boxes of cherry tomatoes and regressing into a four year old when drunk.